caught

closing the bathroom door against invasion, like i should have done in the beginning....i pick the white plastic strip up from the cold porcelain counter. my hands shake, just a little. enough to tell me this is really happening, because even in my worst nightmares i never shake.

i run and i fight. but i never shake.

the bathroom carpet is still wet from my shower that morning, and i pray to a god that is a million miles away from this chicago suburb on this hot and sticky july morning. please god, don't make me pregnant. i swear i'll never have sex again, just don't let me be pregnant, i beg.

then i look.

two pink lines.

fuck.

he picks the bathroom lock and comes in.

well? he asks.

i can't say the words, they won't come out. so i wordlessly hand him the strip and look away.

he decides now is the time to be funny.

 is it mine? he asks.

fuck you, i reply.

no, i don't. i say of course.

we go to his bedroom and discuss.

i have just graduated with my masters degree, and we only met three months ago. he told me he couldn't have sex wearing a rubber and i, being the needy, insecure girl, had let him.

i. fucking. let. him.

stupid. unforgivable, really.

and now this.

having an abortion was something i had always thought happened to other girls. poor girls or stupid girls or slutty girls or girls who wanted to get caught or girls who were bad.

somehow i slipped through.

we each ponied up half for it. he told his mother and she gave him his half.

i don't think i'll ever forgive her for that.

the protesters are out in full force, waving placards with pictures of fetuses and screaming at me that god doesn't want me to kill my baby.

we walk in together, and the receptionist hands me a form to fill out. numbly, i take it back to my seat and fill it out. they want to know the name i will be using while i'm was there. looking around me, i see girls with blank expressions. some with boys, some not. i'm sure i'm wearing a blank expression too.

neve ------? please come back, calls a nurse. my breath catches and he pats me awkwardly. i'll be waiting right here for you, he says lamely.

die, motherfucker.

i discover that my blood type is o-, which means i'll need a rhogam shot after it's over. i have a sonogram but the screen is turned away so i can't see anything. i hear a heartbeat and i cry.

they put all of us in a waiting room. we wear hospital gowns and snuggle into the white blankets they provide. nobody speaks, or makes eye contact. instead, we all watch bob barker laugh it up on the price is right. that means it's between 10 and 11am.

to this day i cannot watch an episode of that show.

the only human sound is that of the girl in the corner, sobbing uncontrollably. finally, she gets up and leaves.

i wish i could do that.

but i'm caught.

don't think don't think don't think i tell myself. just do what you have to do.

the nurse calls my name and i stand up.

it's the most fucked up thing i ever did.

i named him daniel.